Like most Mr.Unavailables, he was smooth, charming and oozing enough sex appeal to musk the smell of his rancid perished emotions. Selfishness, control and debauchery were all that seemed to be vivacious. Nevertheless he was still able to blow my mind both in and out of the bedroom.
By the ending of our first year of dating I was in a state of emotional upheaval with a side order of mental uncertainty.
“Nicca be gone, Nicca be gone!” was my mantra as I attempted to remove myself from his wickedly tempting cocktail of sexual chocolate and bitchassness.
Once separated I felt elated, lighter almost, with a renewed sense of mental clarity. I was no longer consumed by thoughts of “why” he choose to behave in such disrespectful, selfish manners.
“Why”was he so controlling or “why” he insisted on displaying ambivalence through his words and deeds.
However, as time progressed I became aware that he was never far from my musing.
As much as I hated to admit it to myself I was beginning to miss Mr.Unavailable!
With that in mind, I toke it upon myself, to take a moment to ask my higher self to spill the tea about what/why I was experiencing such longings.
More often then not when we find ourselves missing partners who have treated us undesirably, it is normally due to the aspiration of wanting to rectify the original outcome of the relationship.
You may find yourself saying....
"That fool, must of really fell and bumped his head!... I just know his stupid ass will be back, once he realises how great ALL this is!..."
"I wonder if he misses me?"
"Things will be different this time round?"
When we find ourselves in this frame of mind, it is usually a result of the resistance of letting go of our investment with this person.
We are also seeking validation.
Yep I said it! Personal validation!
When you find yourself utilising your precious time by pondering on weather or not he misses you then it is a clear indication that you’re energy is being channelled outside yourself. Stop busying yourself with him and his affairs.
Now, please do not misunderstand me, it is perfectly normal to miss an ex partner; however, when pertaining to a relationship with an emotionally unavailable mate, we have to take the time to ask ourselves why were missing THIS particular individual.
Upon reflection, you will see that it is the drama, unpredictability, sex, dream of white picket fences along with the security of having a romantic relationship. We may also secretly carry the delusion that the wonderful, loving, committed man inside him will eventually jump out to surprise us; revealing his true self.
The trouble with missing your ex boo is that regardless of whether he actually misses you or not, ultimately it will not be enough. It will never be; until he makes the decision to commence changing his method of how he relates to/expresses his emotions.
So what happens if it transpires that your Mr.Unavailable does in fact miss you?
Once again I will specify that until he displays with his actions that he is actively pursuing the change of how he connects/communicates his emotions then your essentially embarking on recreating the same ole experiences.
It is imperative for us girls to remember that ego stroking, sex, fear of starting over along with your admiration and willingness to please him are just some of the reasons as to why your Mr.Unavailable may have chosen to resurface in your life. Therefore I suggest using discernment before you allow him to re-enter your world.
Whilst you may have initially felt rejected by his cold demeanour and deeds, you run the risk of feeling obliterated if you choose to validate yourself through your reconciliation.
If he misses you, let him prove it, not with his sweet nothings over the phone or via text/email but with actions.
If he failed to validate you during the time you were lovers/committed relationship first time round then its probably safe to accept that its not going to happen.
Remember ladies, Mr. Unavailable are not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions. Therefore I suggest that whenever you find yourself missing him, congratulate yourself on having the strength to detach yourself from the situation.
If you were dumped by this type of man, its time to get up and indulge in the type of praise break that will make the holy ghost rise up and slap yo mamma because sister girl you have truly been saved.
Re-focus on addressing the reasons as to why you were attracted to Mr.Unavailable to begin with as we only attract who we are! (wait for it....I'll let that one sink in ;0)
Be gentle with yourself as you take the time to heal, regaining your inner harmony and peace will be a process.
We’re not computers, it’s not as easy to start over anew as it is to press delete, therefore persist on creating a life that is full outside of your wanting to re-merge with your previous partner.
Once you’ve tackled your personal matters, take the time to ask yourself if you even care if he misses you, chances are when your fulfilled from nurturing yourself, you wont give a rats ass about him or his shenanigans.
You deserve to have more than just someone who ‘misses you’, you warrant the experience of being involved with someone who is open and willing to love and commit.
Why settle for crumbs when you can have a whole meal?
© Serena Weithers, 2015